literature

But why him? -Phan- Part 14

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Literature Text

“You can’t do this, Not now”

“You know I have to”

“No, no please. I’ll do anything”

“There’s nothing for you to do Phil. We both knew this was going to end before it had a chance to begin”

“But I love you. Please, I love you”

“I don’t love you. No one ever loved you. This is why you’re in this mess just now”

“Don’t. please, don’t!”

“Goodbye, Phil”

“Chris!-”

It always ended there. No matter how many times Phil had that same dream is would always end at the exact same place every time. He’d wake up with tears running down his cheeks and before he knew it he’d be curled up crying his heart out like the pathetic boy he was.

It happened two years ago. That exact conversation had happened so long ago yet Phil remembered it so clearly almost like it was yesterday. He was haunted by it. Haunted by the memory of the man who he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with. But life had a nasty way of  ruining your plans. Just as Phil began to fall so deeply in love he didn’t think he would ever be happier, disaster struck. It broke him. It really did and all he could do was cry and wither in self misery. Every morning it was the same after that dream.

“…Phil?”

Except this morning it was different. Only when he heard Dan’s quiet voice that he remembered he wasn’t alone. Dan was wrapped up securely in his arms from the nights before. After that kiss Dan and just sort of cuddled up to Phil seemly forgetting about how he liked his space and his own room. They’d fallen asleep cuddled up like this and although Phil did wake up during the night he didn’t want to take Dan through to his own room. He missed the feel of another person sleeping next to him and since it didn’t seem to bother Dan that night, Phil had left the boy where he was.

“Good morning, Dan”

“You were having a nightmare” Dan stated matter-of-factly like he knew exactly what was going on in the older boys head.

“Was I? I don’t remember” Phil lied badly as he moved his hand to wipe the tears away.

“You were” Dan stated bluntly “You said his name again”

“Oh”

“Yeah…”

Phil wasn’t sure what to do in sort this situation but he knew he had to do something. He had to make this less awkward and more how he wanted it to be. This was the first time he’d held Dan in his arms properly and of course that nightmare had to make it’s appearance.

“You know, it’s okay” Dan mumbled, moving his head to hide his face in Phil’s chest “You were married to him. You are allowed to miss him”

“I, Dan-”

“I don’t care Phil. If you still love him, it’s fine”

“Dan no. I don’t still love him. It’s impossible to love that man”

“But he was your husband”

Phil sighed deeply. He never thought he’d have to explain his and Chris’ relationship to anyone but himself. He didn’t even think he could explain it to himself never mind to anyone else. But he knew Dan deserved to know. he needed to know because no matter what happened Dan was now part of his life and he needed to know these things.

He’d always said when he was younger that when he was married he would have the perfect relationship with no lies or complications. Yet no matter how hard he seemed to try there were always lies and secrets that could never be said. The complications that were caused by the lies and secrets were always so bad that sometimes Phil just wanted to lock himself away and give up on everything. That sometimes no matter how much he tried love couldn’t sort things.

“Dan…look at me”

Dan didn’t comply at first, keeping his face hidden as he listened to Phil’s steady breaths. Phil gently moved his arm that was already wrapped around Dan waist up to the younger’s boys hair and lightly ran his fingers through the small curls of hair. Dan lifted his head slightly, his tired eyes meeting with Phil’s.

Phil couldn’t help but smile as he noticed the small blush that covered Dan’s cheeks as their eyes met. He was so adorable. So young and adorable. They may not have had the best relationship but Phil knew he was so incredibly lucky to Have Dan.

“There are some things you need to know about Chris. I don’t need to tell you now, but I do want to tell you”

“Tell me if you want to. I mean, it’s got to be more painful for you to talk about him than for me to listen”

Phil bit his lip as his eyes wondered to a small mark on the wall. He found himself day dreaming for a moment as he stared at that wall. Maybe he wasn’t daydreaming, more just collecting his thoughts. Trying to figure out what he was supposed to say to Dan.

“It was arranged Dan, just like this” He finally managed to say as he looked back to the boy in his arms. Dan just looked up at him, his expression confused until it obviously clicked what Phil meant.

“Arranged…like us?”

“Yeah, my dad forced me to marry him” although he hated the memory now he really couldn’t help but smile at the thought “I was a lot like you Dan. I didn’t want the whole thing to happen and for a while I hated Chris. Hated him so much because he was the reason I couldn’t marry someone I actually loved. But then of course, I did fall in love with him”

“But why? Why would he force you to marry someone when he had nothing to gain out of it?”

A small sigh escaped Phil’s lips as he unconsciously tightened his grip around Dan. Dan just kept his eyes locked with Phil’s as he tried to work out what Phil could possibly mean.

“It’s kind of difficult to explain but…My dad wasn’t like your dad. He still had those old fashioned views that I needed to be with a woman. He wanted me to grow up to be with a woman and to give him grandchildren. So when I came out to him at sixteen, he wasn’t too happy.”

“But that doesn’t explain-”

“He set Chris up with me in hopes it would fail. He made me marry Chris in the hope that it would turn me straight. He thought of he could set me up with the worst guy he could fine it would somehow put me off men. He wanted me to be straight so badly he was willing to try anything” although Phil wasn’t exactly upset about this he still knew the tears were going to fall. no matter how many times he talked about it he always cried. Maybe it really had hurt him a lot more than he thought it did.

“His plan sort of backfired though, didn’t it?” Phil laughed softly as he wiped away another tear “It’s sick. He was so wrong for doing what he did. To even think what he did would help me. He was selfish. Oh so selfish and stupid”

“I, Phil-”

“You don’t need to say anything Dan, it’s fine. I get it, it’s hard to know what to say. Hell, even I don’t know how to tell people that-”

He was cut off as he felt Dan’s arms wrap around him tightly. Dan hid his face in Phil’s chest again, his cheeks red as he squeezed Phil tighter “I’m sorry he hurt you like that…”

Phil didn’t know what to say. He was so amazed that Dan was showing this much affection never mind the fact he seemed to actually care about what had happened in Phil’s past. “It’s not your fault Dan. I mean, it could never be your fault”

“But…” it was then that Phil realised Dan was shaking “Being married to me must remind you of Chris. It must remind you of what you’re dad did. It must hurt so much. It must- oh god, I’m sorry” he sobbed lightly, squeezing Phil tighter as he gently sobbed into the older man’s shirt.

“Dan…” Phil whispered as he hugged Dan back with just as much force “Dan, it doesn’t hurt. I swear it doesn’t. Maybe sometimes I miss him. But I only miss him because of my dad’s decisions. None of this is your fault, okay?”

Dan’s sobs did seem to slow slightly at Phil’s words but not completely stop. Phil wasn’t sure what to do but try comfort the boy. He leaned down slightly and kissed the top of Dan’s head, lingering there for just a moment to take in a calming breath. Somehow even though more tears were threatening to fall his mind seemed to be set on helping Dan. After all, it was his fault Dan was in this state.

Dan lifted his head as he felt a kiss being pressed to his head. They locked eyes and although they both had tear stained cheeks Phil smiled which made Dan’s mouth stretch into a tiny smile.

Dan didn’t even know when Phil’s smile had started to make him happy but every time he even noticed it he felt butterflies in his stomach and like no matter what was going on this over whelming happiness washed over him. Dan was starting to realise that Phil’s smile was one of the most amazing things in the world.

Dan wasn’t even aware Phil had come closer until he felt a small kiss being planted on his nose. A faint pink blush covered his cheeks as his smile grew. Phil moved away slightly, keeping his eyes locked with Dan’s. It wasn’t until Dan looked down for a split second that he realised how close their lips really were. Phil seemed to notice this as well, giving Dan a look which Dan now completely understood after last night.

Dan closed his eyes, taking a quick breath before gently leaning forward and connecting their lips in a light kiss. Phil made a small noise of surprise, obviously not expecting Dan to have made the first move. They broke about a couple seconds later, Phil looking dazed and excited as Dan’s blush darkened.

“I like you a lot, Dan” Phil whispered as his smile widened even more.

Dan was caught a little of guard by this. He knew what he should say because if he didn’t he was only lying to himself. He had to except it that he really did like Phil. Liking him wasn’t the problem, falling in love was what Dan was afraid of. He knew that it was going to happen and yet he still wasn’t sure what to think about it.

“I like you too” were the only words that left Dan’s mouth before Phil’s lips were on his once again.
I'M NOT DEAD
yes sorry it's been so long exams and writers block are not a good mix
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ChloeClue's avatar
Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Q~Q Amazing.. I never want this to end.. ;~;