How long as it been now? Weeks? months?. To be honest Phil didn’t know. Time just seemed to merge together. Life seemed meaningless now. He had no one. The one person he had truly cared about, was gone. He shook his head, trying to make himself forget. No matter how much he tried to forget his best friend, He couldn’t. Dan would be in his mind forever. Forever leaving his imprint there. Never letting Phil forget about those perfect brown eyes. Or that amazing smile. Everything about the boy was perfect. That didn’t matter now, did it?. Dan was gone. Gone forever.
Slowly fading away
Lost and so afraid
Chris sighed softly as he knocked on Phil’s bedroom door gently “Phil?” he called out quietly “come out, please”. he sighed again as he heard soft sobs from the other side of the door. What was he supposed to do?. He was supposed to be the strong one here. The one that would assure Phil that ‘everything will be okay’. he knew it wouldn’t though. They were both slowly, but surely, sinking into deep depression.
Where is the hope?
In a world so cold
Phil heard Chris’ voice but didn’t move. He only sobbed more. He didn’t want to do this anymore. He couldn’t live without Dan. he didn’t want to be here without his best friend. He knew he was being selfish. Chris had lost PJ too, he just seemed to be handling it so much better. Phil looked up to Chris for that. Being able to put a brave face on. Phil knew though, he knew Chris was dying inside. He took a deep breath as he stood up and opened the door. He stared at his friend in front of him “…yes?” he asked quietly.
Chris frowned as he was met by Phil’s emotionless eyes. “Phil…you need to eat something” he tried to say confidently, but faltered “you cant just keep you’re self looked up in there all day”
Looking for a distant light
Phil just stared at Chris, his words not reaching him at all. “I…I don’t want too” he whispered. “I don’t deserve too”
Chris sighed “Phil, you need too” he said softly, gently placing an hand on his friends shoulder “you’ve done nothing wrong, it’s not your fault”
Someone who could save my life
Phil bit his lip harshly as fresh tears stung his eyes. “I should have died then…not Dan” he whispered as he felt the tears beginning to make their way down his face.
Living in fear
That no one will hear your cries
Chris quickly wrapped his arms around Phil in a tight hug “no…Phil” he paused, slowly moving his hand to gently rub the blue eyed boys back comfortingly. “you shouldn’t have. It wasn’t any of our faults. It was that stupid drunk drivers” he said softly.
Phil shivered slightly as the memory of that day played through his mind. They had been driving home from the cinema that night. PJ was driving and Chris was sitting in the front passenger seat. Phil was sitting in the back with Dan, on the passenger side while Dan sat in the middle. Everything was fairly normal until they stopped at an large intersection. They were just pulling off after the traffic light had turned to green when it had happened. A drunk driver who was speeding was driving straight towards them. PJ had seen him and panicked, trying to move the car but not being fast enough. Dan had saw the car and quickly wrapped his arms around Phil, using himself as a shield. After that he Phil couldn’t remember anything, only waking up in hospital the next day with a few bruises. The nurse had told him he would had certainly died if Dan hadn’t protected him. Phil at this point was happy to be alive until he asked where Dan was. The nurse had adverted her eyes for a moment then looked back at Phil, giving him the news his best friend was dead. She had tried to make Phil feel better by telling him Dan had died on impact, he would have only felt the pain for a second before he passed away. Phil squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to forget the memory “I don’t want to do this any more Chris…I can’” he whispered.
Chris tightened his grip around his friend “don’t say that, please…” he couldn’t take much more of this. Being the strong one was horrible. Always having to pretend you were fine. Never being able to cry. He took a deep breath as he tried to calm himself down. Phil began to shake in his arms as he sobbed loudly. “shh, it’s okay, we’ll get through this” Chris whispered, placing a small kiss on the blue eyed boys forehead “I swear we will”
I am with you
I will carry you through it all
“But we wont” Phil sobbed “I loved him Chris, I never got to tell him!” he half shouted as a strange strangled sob escaped his lips. “I just…I miss him so much”
I wont leave you
Chris held Phil closer, gently playing with his hair. “I know Phil…” he sighed again “I know exactly how you feel. That night I was going to tell PJ how I felt, we were on our way home to have a fantastic foursome sleepover, remember?” he asked softly. “I was finally going to tell him, after so many years…” he trailed off, biting his lip harshly as he felt tears threatening to fall.
I will catch you
Phil continued to sob, crying for the both of them now as he clung to Chris tightly. “oh god, Chris…I…” he tried to say but couldn’t get the words out.
when you feel like letting go
“It’s okay…we’re going to be okay” he whispered, trying to convince himself more than anyone else. The hardest bit was yet to come. Even though it had been 3 months neither Phil of Chris had told the fans. They both hadn’t made a video in that time. The fans were going mad without them but…he couldn’t bring himself to make a video. Chris knew they had to tells the fans eventually, but he needed Phil’s help. No matter hoe strong he was he couldn’t do this alone. “Phil?…” he asked softly
Phil looked at Chris through his tear blurred vision “what?” he asked quietly, attempting to stop his sobs. This was the first time he had seen Chris look at him so seriously.
“we need to tell the fans, it’s been three months Phil. We need too” Chris almost whispered as he pushed Phil’s hair back slightly, looking straight into those blue eyes. “please help me with this”
Cause you’re not
Phil nodded slowly then wrapped his arms around Chris tightly “should we just make a video?” he asked quietly as he clung to his friend again. He had been so selfish, only thinking about himself.
Chris made a small noise of approval and hugged Phil back tightly “it’s going to be okay” he repeated. They stayed like this for several more minutes. Wrapped up in each others arms. Chris felt strangely content, it was probably because he was helping Phil. He had one use in life at least. “we should make the video” he offered before he pulled away from Phil.
You’re not alone
Half an hour later they were sitting in front of the camera, glancing nervously at each other. Chris took a deep breath as he pressed the record button. Phil tried to smile as he looked at the camera but failed “hey guys” he said softly. He knew just from that greeting people would know something was wrong.
Chris saw Phil’s expression and quickly took his friends hand, squeezing it reassuringly. He knew he it was his turn to talk. “so guys, Phil and I are here to tell you some…very sad news” he tried to say calmly but his breath hitched ion his throat as he thought about PJ. “you see….”
“The reason…Dan…and PJ haven’t made any videos in a while, is because…” he trailed off, tears now dripping down his pale face “they’re gone guys” he said barely above a whisper.
But the pain carried on
Chris quickly pulled Phil close to him as he hushed the boy “they passed away” he added, also crying now “Dan and PJ passed away in an accident…sorry we didn’t tell you” he said trying to keep his voice steady but failing.
“It’s not fair. You know what the worst part is guys” Phil said softly, a sad smile pulling at his lips “I loved Dan…more than anything. I guess you guys were right” he laughed slightly. “we…we better go”
Arms of relief
Seem so out of reach
Chris nodded, giving the camera a small wave then turning the camera off. He quickly wrapped his arms around Phil again. “we’re going to be fine Phil. You know, they’re probably watching over us thinking we’re such idiots” Chris said as he the sobbing boy closer.
But I am here
Phil nodded. Maybe things would be okay, he doubted they would, but, at least he had Chris. He knew he would have done something stupid but now without his friend there. Her knew he would have joined Dan by now. He closed his eyes, whispering his that one sentence that seemed to mean more than anything else right now.
“I’ll live on without you, but the pain will never disappear